Cat Scratch Fever

There’s an odd little creature living in my house and I’ve gathered that it’s called a cat.  At first glance, it appears to be a mini-dog, but, upon closer inspection, it is definitely not canine.  Definitely not.

      Let me count the reasons I know this being is not a dog:

1. It thinks it is the queen, but there’s not a monarchy in the US.
2. It uses a box in the house as its toilet while I, the dog, am forced to go outside no matter what the weather.
3. It makes this funny little noise – a mew mew mew sound – that is in no way, shape, or form a bark.
4. It bites things and gets away with it.  Right now she’s biting the edge of the laptop and no one is batting an eye.  If I did that, trust me, there would be repercussions.
5. Occasionally this nutso animal scratches things and gets away with it.
6. This crazy little creature gets to climb on things and I have to lie on the floor.  For example, she likes to sit on the back of the sofa and punch me in the nose.  When I jump up on the sofa to give her a taste of her own medicine, I’m told in no uncertain terms to get off of the couch.  What a double-standard!
7. This thing can hiss and spit.  It’s unreal, very uncanine-like, and sometimes a little frightening.
8. She uses my human as a pillow at night and I have to sleep in a crate.
9. Her toys contain some strange grassy-looking substance that makes her act VERY WEIRD after she’s been playing for awhile.  I mean, VERY WEIRD.
10. But the number one reason I know she’s not a dog is because she has to stay home when my humans take me on adventures.  Ha!  Ha!  Ha!  It’s awesome being a dog.  Take that, cat!

Happy Tails, my friends.